I like walking. Walking clears my mind. It brings all my thoughts to the foreground before throwing them out, one by one.
I travel by bus to college. There I meet people. Interact with them. Some people I like, some not so much. One too damn much.
Interactions affects me, affects my mind. I make jokes, they sometimes laugh. When I don’t, someone else does. When I’m silent, they know I’ve disconnected. They ask me what’s wrong. I never tell them because the ones I do tell judge me to be over-dramatic. I wouldn’t call them right. They aren’t wrong either, though. That affects me. The affecting affects me.
So when I travel back home by bus, I get down a few stops before. I like walking home. Sometimes thinking, sometimes observing.
I observe the dogs wagging their tails, barking, lying around trying to sleep, sometimes humping. I observe people. People walking, talking, having conversations, arguing, agreeing, laughing, swearing. I observe the trees with their rustling leaves. Swaying, shedding leaves, sheltering birds. I observe buildings, streets, and everything else I lay my eyes upon.
I think about myself, the people I care about and the people who care about me. Most of all, I think about those who don’t give a shit. I envy them. I want to not care. I simply cannot. I think about the things I said and the ones I didn’t. About what I should’ve said and how. I wonder how my life had been if I had. Better, I suppose.
I think about how I talked to people to whom I used to be close. I think about the exact moment I effectively ruined my relationship with them. How I misunderstood situations, how I overreacted, how I stopped ignoring. How I told them how I felt about them only to learn they didn’t feel the same way. Now I see them daily and must pretend. Pretend I’m unaffected. Pretend I’ve moved on when I haven’t. Pretend I don’t regret saying what I did. When I didn’t it killed me inside. When I did it cost me my friends. Perhaps I didn’t deserve to have them. There was no right answer, it seems.
Walking helps me clear my head of all these thoughts. For quite a while if not permanently. So I walk.